Friday, August 25, 2006

Adam Morrison > D-Wade, Lebron, 'Melo

Scoop Jackson has written one of his customarily insane pieces for ESPN's Page 2 (which I'm assuming is basically for writers who weren't good enough to write for "page 1" or the homepage. Hilarious how there's even a Page 3 now. Hmmm, maybe even I could write for Page 4...) This one's basically a random collection of garbage attempting to masquerade as both witty and somehow intelligent at the same time. Here's a real gem of a section that Scoop managed to pull out of his a.... nalytic mind:


Let me make it clear that I hate Adam Morrison. Not as a person, but his skills are just vastly overrated. I mean, it says a lot when in one of the worst draft classes in recent memory, the team with the first pick decides to take some random European guy that nobody's ever heard of and that they themselves probably just met a week prior. That would be Bargnani... or however you spell his name. Bargeanini? Baloney? Whatever. The point is that Adam Morrison looked lost at many times in college, to mention nothing of the NBA. Hmmm, too much analysis on just the heading, I suppose. Let's move on, Scoop.

Love Kirk Hinrich, but he's not going to save you.

I don't know about you, but I'd much rather have Chris Paul saving me than Hinrich. Oh, and surprise! Chris Paul just happens to be on the team! What do you know!

Love Bron, but he's not going to save you.

Errr, yes he is. Game on the line, I want the ball in this guy's hands. In fact, I think I'd want the ball in the hands of literally 100 guys before I'd want Adam Morrison shooting.

Love Melo, but he can't drop 35 every game and he can't trade 3s with the world.

Yes, but he also shot the best FG% in "close and late situations." So yes, I say there's a far greater chance Melo saves you than Adam Morrison. .

See, there's a difference between being able the shoot 3s and having range.

This is just a laughable argument. "Having range" = Good ability to shoot the ball from "far away." "Far away" = 3 Point line. Thus, "Having Range" = "Ability to Shoot 3's."

But, perhaps Scoop is insinuating something else here. Please don't tell me Adam Morrison can shoot the three. Please, please, please do not try and say this.

Bird had range, Mullin had range, Miller (aka: Reggie) had range. The second any one of them stepped across halfcourt ... Yung Joc, it was goin' down.

Sure they had range. And you know there's this Adam Morrison guy. And he can't shoot threes. Oh, I know you wouldn't say that.

This team is void of long-range specialists.

Try "devoid." I hear that there's this thing you can do after writing articles. It's called "editing." Try it some time. It saves you from writing idiotic, meaningless sentences like the one above.

And when you are going up against teams that specialize in dropping bombs from beyond the 3-point line you have to counter their attack with something ... or someone.

Ah, I have faith. You wouldn't say Adam Morrison was that someone. This is obviously just an intro to Gilbert Arenas... or Bruce Bowen, right?

Adam Morrison was that someone. Even though he didn't have any international or NBA experience, he was 6-foot-8 with range. Silly range. Scorer's-table range. Oscar Schmidt range.

Oh... My... God. You think Adam Morrison has the same range as Larry Legend, Chris Mullin, and Miller aka Reggie????? What have you gone and done, Scoop? Adam Morrison. Reggie Miller. I think I'm having a heart attack.

And at some point, scoring two points for every three points that Spain, Greece, France, Turkey or Dirk is scoring is not going to add up. Oh, my bad, yes it will -- it'll add up to an L.

I'm done commenting. You heard it from the man, ladies and gentlemen! The solution to all of Team USA's problems? Adam Morrison, aka 3 point shooting extraordinare!