Sunday, August 13, 2006

Let's all collectively bash the Pacers

A nearly two week long drought of articles, both stupid and not so stupid, has finally been ended by- who else?- Dave D'Alessandro.

(On a completely unrelated note, his bio picture looks like he's a pirate, for some reason. A hobo pirate who hasn't shaved in a week. Doesn't TSN give advanced notice about picture days, or something like that? I mean, this is just a terrible bio picture. Unless, he looks like this all the time. I wouldn't be surprised.)

And just to make sure that his compadre at TSN, Sean Deveny, has his original point drilled into reader's heads, Pirate-Man has written literally the exact same article that Deveny did two weeks ago! Let's go! Here's "Why the Pacers Suck!" Part Two!

Pacers' moves could make them chum in the water. TSN. Dave D'Alessandro.

"Chum in the water?" That sounds like a patented pirate saying to me.

In the TV business, critics use the term "jumped the shark" to denote the point at which a series has passed its peak. No clue what the shark reference means, but I'll assume it's something hip.

Well, see "jump the shark" is a modern pirate saying. It's a phrase that's only been recently developed and brought into use. Only the modern, and really "hip" pirates use this phrase. Shame on you. You call yourself a pirate?

By the way, it took me exactly 5 seconds to look up what "jump the shark" really means. Try it, Pirate-Man. There's this site called "" It was created just for ignorant pirates such as yourself.

Anyway, in the case of the Pacers, they're in danger of jumping out of the playoff pool and landing in the shark's mouth.

More high-sea allusions. Let's see if you can fish out some more. Ha. Ha.

You can't say they have dead-ended (yet) because at least they recognized the need for a makeover.

They did? Does adding an inexperienced swingman (Marquis Daniels) really qualify them for make-over status? I wonder what you would have called the Heat's moves last summer.

They have added eight new faces

Yes, half of them through the draft. By your definition, every team in the league has had a make-over this summer.

and have one big move left (they hope) in the form of acquiring Al Harrington.


Yet somehow, they seemed to have lost their way, pingponging from good move to bad move with the outcome still to be determined.

Would you mind telling us what exactly these moves are instead of merely calling them "good" and "bad?"

OK, full disclosure: This is the drip-drip-drip phase of the offseason,

Man, quit with the water imagery already. We’ve already established that you’re a pirate.

when GMs go on vacation and writers wish they could do the same,

I'm pretty sure your readers want you to go on vacation too.

instead of choosing a team and giving it the Colbertian Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger treatment.

Except there’s this thing. It’s called a job. And you have to do… work. Amazing, I know. And “Colbertian Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger?” Oh, brother.

But in the case of Indy, it's irresistible.

So you're saying that it's worth sitting at home all summer so long as you can insult the Indiana Pacers... Whatever floats your boat, I guess. No pun intended.

Bad move: Maybe Larry Bird still is trying to find his front office game, but the last time he said anything in public was to suggest Rick Carlisle didn't hold players accountable. Nice way to boost your coach's credibility, eh?

I'm not sure how this even qualifies as a "move."

I'm still wondering where Bird was when all this discord played out. If the team prez wants more discipline, he should traipse his legendary butt downstairs and dole some out.

Er, that's the coach's job Dave. Guys with "legendary butts" just aren't suitable for such tasks.

Good move: Not matching the contract offer the Hornets gave Peja Stojakovic was a no-brainer. He's not worth $64 million for five years, and if the trade exception acquired in the deal with New Orleans helps the Pacers get Harrington, they'll have immeasurably improved their frontcourt.

Yeah, and if they don't get Harrington? Doesn't look so good any more, does it? Plus, even though he may not be worth 65 mil over 5, Peja is still one of the top 3 shooters in the game. Harrington, well, let's just say he's not in the top 10 among post players.

Bad move: Dumping backup Anthony Johnson was an act of desperation. Maybe he was too blunt, maybe he grumbled about stupid stuff like Sarunas Jasikevicius' jersey being sold instead of his own in the gift shop, and maybe Jermaine O'Neal hated him. But the Pacers got nothing for a very good combo guard, unless they have designs on making Darrell Armstrong the head coach in two years.

Okay, so you think dumping an aging, slow, sluggish point guard in favor of giving a young, up-temo, up and coming point guard more playing time is an act of desperation? I think you’ve been spending too much time with Felipe Alou (and his outfield). True, Johnson had a great year by any standard, but keep in mind, he’s slow and aging. And slow. And plus, 05-06 was his contract year. I sincerely doubt he’d replicate last season’s performance again. And even if this is the terrible move you say it is, how the !@$#%! does Darrell Armstrong becoming head change anything??

And so on.

What do you mean "and so on"???!! You think you can just name four events (only three of them even "moves"!) and then assume that readers will assume that there are more?!?! This is just the height of bad writing. Why don't we just make up some more random "moves?" "Bad move: Larry Bird had breakfast with Jermaine O'Neal today". Or "Good move: Tinsley got his car washed at Chevron over the weekend." Pirate-Man, you're an idiot.

This team has issues. It has an untenable point guard situation, some bad chemistry guys,

Great job. On top of an already atrocious article, throw in some random "chemistry" junk.

a disconnect with the fan base,

Care to quantify this statement in any way? You know, they do record this thing called home attendance. And publish it. At the very least, couldn’t you have made up some poll that was supposedly on the Pacer website? Or something? Anything?

and 15 guaranteed contracts (three rookies, yikes) -- and is scared to death of becoming a luxury taxpayer.

Okay, answer me this then. Which team isn’t scared to death of becoming a luxury taxpayer? Mhmm, that’s what I thought. Instead, you make it seem like the Indiana Pacer’s GM (Mr. Legend) is some shriveling old miserly man who’s trotting out the national Swedish croquet team on a nightly basis.

There is talent, starting with O'Neal, who by all accounts is doing the right things this summer.

I love this sentence. All the right things? What the Hell does that mean??!! Working out? Dieting? Not doing drugs? Mr. O’Neal, there’s this pirate. And he knows what you’ve been up to this summer.

But none of this makes any sense without Harrington, who dumped his agent last week to expedite his sign-and-trade deal with the Hawks. If he shows, the frontcourt will be formidable and playoff-worthy.

He showed. Can we officially consider your article “pointless” now?

If he doesn't, the Pacers become the poster team for the perils of rebuilding on the fly.

Sorry, but the Knickerbockers of New York have already published many, many posters on this very same topic. I hear they’re even coming out with a 2007-2008 calendar with Renaldo Blackman on the cover.